Its Starting Again...

... and I'm beginning to freak myself out again. Yikes!

*deep breath*

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Was 'cautioned' earlier not to put too much info on FB, and this went through my head as fast as a shooting star, as it happened:-

M: Be careful what you put online, you can get into trouble.

Me: *silent*

(in my head, and in a non-angsty tone): Thanks, you just reminded me why I do this. I still do feel very affected when you talk down scornfully at me over minor things and keep bombarding me about my so-called weaknesses until you are satisfied that you have 'won' the case. Its over within a couple of minutes after your vicious rants, but it hangs on like a cloud on me for some time. So I either rant it out, or focus on something more 'acceptable' i.e. talk bluntly about current issues. I'd rather craft/art, but my supplies are not with me at the moment. Which brings us to why you are cautioning me now. Not that I blame you, or that I shirk responsibility over my actions...it just happens before I am completely aware of what transpires. Its something like a super-delayed reaction to things. And I can't share this particular knowledge of myself with you, because I have always felt that you would scoff and not believe me, before telling me that I am always **fill in the blank**.

M: I know you disagree, but you don't do things like that. Be careful what you put online.

Me: *watery smile*

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Its scary to have a full blown monologue in your head, whilst silently staring at the person in front of you.

Truly.

Because when I feel that I have to revert to conversations in my head, it means that I sense that my presence is no longer wanted by those around me, even my loved ones.